Remember the sitcom Friends? Well, no matter if you don’t, it would just have made my post here a bit more meaningful if you did. In any case, if you do remember Friends, then you might remember an episode titled “The One With The Lesbian Wedding”. In this episode, the quirky-bordering-on-crazy Phoebe Buffay, a massage therapist (of the aromatherapy and essential oils kind) is massaging a woman named Mrs Adelman. Mrs Adelman, 82, dies on the massage table. Phoebe is convinced that Mrs Adelman’s spirit didn’t go very far when it left her body; in fact, she’s convinced Mrs Adelman has invaded her body. She even begins to speak in a strange old-New-York-Jewish-lady sort of voice. She contacts Mr Adelman, and asks why Mrs Adelman might want to hang onto this mortal coil instead of shuffling off to the massage parlour in the sky. Mr Adelman says that Mrs Adelman always said she wanted “to see everything” before she died, so the conclusion is reached that Mrs Adelman is now in Phoebe and will remain in her until she has “seen everything.” And that’s where the lesbian wedding comes in. The friends all attend the wedding of one of the group’s lesbian ex-wife. When Mrs Adelman realises that the bridal couple comprises two women, she shouts out “Oh my god, NOW I’ve seen everything!” and hurriedly vacates Phoebe’s body forever.
So, why do I bring up this inanity, you ask? Well, in a sense I have had my own version of Mrs Adelman inhabiting my world for the past five or so years. It started when I first saw those pictures of Donald Trump descending the escalator to announce his candidacy for president of the United States. Oh my god, I said, now I’ve seen everything. But my inner Mrs Adelman was not convinced. At regular intervals, in response to some fresh horror, I’d ejaculate “Oh my god, NOW I’ve seen everything!” but each time I was wrong, and she stayed. The instances are too numerous to mention, so a few highlights (in random order) will have to do.
When he made fun of a disabled reporter. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!” No, not yet.
When transcripts of his pussy-grabbing comments were made public. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!” But no.
When he went on and on about his damned wall and the caravan of drug dealers and murderers heading his way. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!” Hold your horses.
When he fell in love with Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and waved his love letter around. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!” Not quite.
When that Stormy Daniels business became public. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!” Child’s play.
When he said there were “good people” in a mob of neo-Nazis. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!” Hell, no.
When he made that “perfect” phone call. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!”
When he believed Putin over his own intelligence service. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!”
When he foisted Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway and Kayleigh McEnaney and Stephen Miller and Jared Kushner and Ivanka and his other horrible children and Rudi on us. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!”
When he said the coronavirus would disappear, and said disinfectant and bright lights under the skin would cure it and a hundred other moronic things while Americans were dying by the thousands. “Oh my god, now I’ve seen everything!”
But those were all just dress rehearsals for what transpired on January 6 when Trump incited a mob to march on the Capitol (without him, despite his promise to go with them) and they did what he wanted: they came close to plunging the land of the free into total disarray. As I watched videos of the mayhem, I exclaimed “Oh my god, now I’ve REALLY seen everything!” and I think, this time, I felt my Mrs Adelman stir, as if she were preparing to vacate my mind once and for all. For surely, after that, there is no more to see. Surely, after that, there is nothing more that he can do. Surely that was his last desperate salvo and he is a spent force. Move along, folks, nothing more to see here. Bring on the Biden and Harris show.
So why hasn’t my Mrs Adelman left yet? Dammit, she’s still hanging around. What for, I wonder. What will it take for her to give one final “Oh my god, NOW I’ve seen everything!” and fuck off once and for all? Is there more to see? God knows.
allan.d.man 